Everyday is the same. I feel a whole lot like Coldplay when they say “when you try your best, but you don’t succeed”… The yelling. Their words ring in my ears and it never ends. I am encompassed in a feeling of guilt and even more guilt knowing I feel responsible for things I didn’t actually do. I blame myself. I cry. I am quiet. I have given up. I spend my time wondering when it will end and praying to God that it will ever end.
As the saying goes “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. I know this to be true, but I don’t want to believe it. I just want it to all come to a stop. Silence is welcoming when you come from my home. Praise is heavenly when you’ve grown up as I have. Heavenly, because of its rarity.
I have been put down so much that one of my greatest fears is that I will do the same. I question every action and thought fearing I was in the wrong. When I go above and beyond I am treaty extremely poorly. I don’t know what to do. It consumes me. It consumes me, my time, my energy, my (already minimal) self-esteem, and makes me feel like I am drowning.
I don’t want to drown. I am treading water and still struggling to stay afloat with my head above the water. I feel lost and afraid. I repeat these thoughts in my head. My head which is weighed down not only by physical pain, but the feelings of loneliness, worthlessness, fear, and frustration.
So, please love. Please smile. Please be encouraging and appreciative when you are angry. Remember that tough love can be too tough. Please don’t forget that you are worth something and deserve better.
youregonnagofarkid 