Mean

  Today I saw “2 years concuss” come up on the board followed by “2 yr concussion”. My heart sank and my stomach well it did the opposite. I felt sick. Someone put “2 years concuss” and “2 yr concussion” as their username. 

  First off “concuss” isn’t a word and second, it hasn’t been 2 years. It has been a little over 11 months. I’m not still concussed, but I do have post- concussion syndrome inaddition to all the other lovely diagnosises it has brought along. And this was just another example of the daily harassment I face at school. It is why each morning I lay in bed for 40 minutes snoozing my alarm and barely get to school on time in contrast to when I went to the gym at 5:30 a.m. and got to school early to study. It is why I lay awake all night and can’t remember the last time I actually slept through the night. People who I thought  were my friends are people who now make fun of me for my enlarged papers. It makes me question everything.

  I constantly question myself and my choices. I worry I have done something wrong even when I know deep in my heart I haven’t and it is just me wanting a reason. I don’t know why people are cruel or why they think it is okay to discriminate against people with disabilities or anyone really. I do know that God never gives us a challenge we can handle. Tonight my best friend called from her home a few states away and reminded me of that. She reminded me not to let them bring me down, because they don’t have the power or the right to do that. She reassured me that it was okay to feel hurt and that it isn’t fair. She helped remind me that everything would be okay. I am lucky. I have endured a lot and there will be more to come, but I will not be alone. I have God and many other people who love me and will stand by me even if they can’t always be around. 

Today I remembered some of the lessons I have learned in the last 11 months. I am not the same girl I was before, but not just in a bad way. I am compassionate, caring, stronger than I ever knew, and I now know that you must look past what is on the surface. I have learned what true friendship is and the importance of family. I have learned how important my faith is even when I began to question the Lord. “I can do all things through he who gives me strength” and I will do many things. If I could go back to the day I hit my head I would not change a thing, because it has made me a better person and who I am. 

We’re half awake in a Fake Empire

Thank you to The National for these words. Thank you for the mysterious and magical rhythm. Thank you for making me think.

I spend far too much time contemplating this song. I have decided that it is just beautiful. It may be bizarre yet, it makes sense in its own way. It makes sense to each of us in our own way. It is a single beam of light shining through the clouds. It is someone realizing that they are “half awake”, but that it really is a “fake empire”. “Turn the lights out say goodnight, no thinking for a little while. Let’s not try to figure out everything at once” is that reminder that sometimes we need to take a step back and take a break. 

Music is something I don’t just “listen to” it sticks with me. This song is now a part of me. I have learned things about myself by listening to this song.

“Stay out super late tonight picking apples, making pies

Put a little something in our lemonade and take it with us

We’re half awake in a fake empire

We’re half awake in a fake empire

Tiptoe through our shiny city with our diamond slippers on

Do our gay ballet on ice, bluebirds on our shoulders

We’re half awake in a fake empire

We’re half awake in a fake empire

Turn the light out say goodnight, no thinking for a little while

Let’s not try to figure out everything at once

It’s hard to keep track of you falling through the sky

We’re half awake in a fake empire

We’re half awake in a fake empire”

–Fake Empire, The National

Right Now

My old volleyball coach had 2 words tattooed across her wrist. I definitely have some choice words about her and she wasn’t the nicest person to say the least, but those words were something we all were intrigued by. The ink spelled out “Be Present”. As kids at an international school we all had come to learn that you must live in the present. It is so hard to enjoy what you have when you are constantly mourning the loss of your past and fearing the change that the future brings. For all of us there was a constant feeling uncertainty, never sure if our best friend would be moving tomorrow, not sure where we were headed next, not sure of how long we’d be there. The 18 months I spent there were still an amazing time for me once I learned to be present and enjoy “the now”. 

Live in the moment and enjoy every second of it. Don’t forget to be thankful and spend time with all the amazing people in your life. You never know how much longer you will have with them. Be kind, be good, love everyone, and in the words of Saint Ignatius “Go Forth and Set the World on Fire”!

We’re half awake in a Fake Empire

Thank you to The National for these words. Thank you for the mysterious and magical rhythm. Thank you for making me think.

I spend far too much time contemplating this song. I have decided that it is just beautiful. It may be bizarre yet, it makes sense in its own way. It makes sense to each of us in our own way. It is a single beam of light shining through the clouds. It is someone realizing that they are “half awake”, but that it really is a “fake empire”. “Turn the lights out say goodnight, no thinking for a little while. Let’s not try to figure out everything at once” is that reminder that sometimes we need to take a step back and take a break. 

Music is something I don’t just “listen to” it sticks with me. This song is now a part of me. I have learned things about myself by listening to this song.

“Stay out super late tonight picking apples, making pies

Put a little something in our lemonade and take it with us

We’re half awake in a fake empire

We’re half awake in a fake empire

Tiptoe through our shiny city with our diamond slippers on

Do our gay ballet on ice, bluebirds on our shoulders

We’re half awake in a fake empire

We’re half awake in a fake empire

Turn the light out say goodnight, no thinking for a little while

Let’s not try to figure out everything at once

It’s hard to keep track of you falling through the sky

We’re half awake in a fake empire

We’re half awake in a fake empire”

–Fake Empire, The National

Wise words from… my parents!

I can admit that sometimes our parents are quite knowledgable. When they aren’t telling us what to do and what not to do we can find real wisdom in their words.

“Don’t criticize others, because the things you criticize them for are really the things you like the least about yourself.” – my mom

Today my younger sister and I were arguing like most siblings do. My mom told us (mainly directed to me being the big sis) her opinion on the matter and I did not like it. I was offended, but I realized that she was right. What my mom said is often true. 

Over my short 16 years of life I have learned so much from my parents. I have learned to listen and think about the things the people you love tell you, even if it does hurt. 

Tough love is real.

“You’re Gonna Go Far Kid”

Even behind the horrendous grammar and frequent use of the F word, this song has always seemed truly poetic. “You’re gonna go far kid” is something I often repeat to myself.

When I am on the court overcome with exhaustion these words ring in my head. When I am at school, doing homework, walking to school or just stressing about school in general these wise words by The Offspring are present in my mind. Even at my many doctors appointments due to post concussion syndrome these words are motivating and encouraging.

“And now you’ll lead the way
Show the light of day
Nice work you did
You’re gonna go far, kid”

I am pretty sure that my interpretation of this song is likely far from the intended meaning, but I have found strength in it. Like any good song it depicts a struggle and that is something that is easy for me to relate to.

“He never had a chance
And no one even knew
It was really only you”

The reason this song is constantly on repeat in the back of my mind is, because it reminds me that I can over come anything. Philippians 4:13 says that “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me”. Yes, there are many challenges in my life, but I can still do so much. I have been able to overcome much with determination and my belief in the Lord.

I will not forget that and I will go far kid, just you wait.